http://punkyuppie.com/ tim and heather have lots of sex en-us Nucleus CMS v3.24 © Weblog http://backend.userland.com/rss http://punkyuppie.com//nucleus/nucleus2.gif http://punkyuppie.com/ http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=214
For instance, here is the in-my-head version of an amusing event.

Ahem.

So Ann was super psyched on this steak and posted about it and her salad on facebook, which turned out to be kinda unfortunate 'cause then peeps got all self-righteous on her ass about carnivore flatulence and stinky poo and how nobody needs to eat that much protien which is totally lame, so Ann got all moderator on them and was like "Delete, bitches! Get yo negativity offa my wall!" and put the smack down on their smack talk.
Ann is so cool, right?!

Doesn't make any kind of sense, right?

It's going to stay that way, too, 'cause now I'm going to sleep.

I should not be allowed access to the Internet after midnight. Just saying.]]> General http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=214 Sat, 31 Jul 2010 00:33:31 -0500 http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=212 I had 42 hours of intense labor and developed a dangerous infection.
-She developed pre-eclampsia and never had a single contraction.
I had my baby two weeks late.
-She had her baby a month early.
I had a boy, Havoc.
-She had a girl, Raine.
I had a big baby, 8 pounds, 12 ounces.
-She had a tiny baby, 5 pounds, 10 ounces.

All comparisons aside, we were all really worried about Cedar and little Raine Pare'. Pre-eclampsia is scary stuff, but my little sister is one tough broad, and mother and baby are both doing very well now, and will hopefully be going home today or tomorrow. My parents are very happy grandparents now to both a little boy and a little girl, and we're all looking forward to seeing the little ones grow up together!



Congratulations, Cedar and Philip, she's absolutely beautiful!

]]> General http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=212 Sat, 26 Jun 2010 13:54:36 -0500 http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=211
I learned several things in that first day; cloth diapers aren't as forgiving as disposables. You really have to stay on top of the changing thing, or you end up with wet spots on the couch (or, as was my case, your t-shirt) and damp diaper covers. It is goddamn hard to find newborn sized cloth diapers in Austin, and I'm not patient enough to not cut them to fit, which means I will be needing all new ones when he gets too big for the modified ones. Baby poo is no more and no less gross in a cloth diaper, but somehow is actually less smelly.

Most importantly, though, at least for the point of this entry, is that babies (or at least my baby) hate being wet. Hate hate hate. Havoc was having fits every time he peed, and let me tell you, that kid pees a lot.

Why is that the most important part? Well, while looking up info on cloth diapers, I came across an article on infant potty training. The article talked about how much babies hate being wet, and that with a little patience, a parent can learn the baby's "potty cues", and can get the baby on a potty in time to avoid the baby going in his or her diaper.

I decided to give it a roll. I bought a little kid potty and told myself that if nothing else, it would be interesting.

It fucking works.

I swear to you, the first time Havoc peed in his potty, I could not believe it. I thought it was a fluke; I mean, he pees all over the place sometimes when you change his diaper. But by the end of the first day, he had peed in his little potty three times. The next day, he peed six times. The third day, he pooped, too.

Now it's been over two weeks. He averages thirteen pees a day and two poops. We average six dirty diapers, whereas before we were using around fifteen or more, and these are cloth as opposed to disposable. Generally he only has "accidents" when he's napping, and let's face it, most of us didn't master not wetting the bed until we were four or five, so I'm not going to hold it against my seven week old that he hasn't gotten it down yet.
He really does just tell us when he needs to go, he has very specific cues, noises, faces, motions. We haven't got it perfected yet, he's still teaching me to pay attention, but we're working it out. I've realized that it's less about me potty training him than it is him training me to get him to his potty.

It is a lot of work; since he isn't exactly mobile, I have to be at his beck and call for maximum effectiveness. The way I see it, though, is that it's not much more work than changing a diaper every time he goes, this way I simply don't have an excuse to let him sit in a dirty or wet diaper until I'm ready to bother with it. It keeps me from being a lazy mom.

It sounds totally insane, but he's so much happier for it! Tim and I are so proud of our little man. He's seven weeks old, people. Seven weeks.

My kid is the coolest kid ever.]]> General http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=211 Wed, 2 Jun 2010 22:11:34 -0500 http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=210
Then add an absurdly heaping serving of mac and cheese.



OH MY DEAR SWEET LORD.



(Look how incredibly happy Rob is... remember when I said he was displaying male bliss with cold beer and a hot chick's ass? Yeah, this was better.)


Yes, I understand that it sounds kind of weird, possibly even gross. But I swear to you, it is the single best thing you will ever put in your mouth.
(You will only be capable of making the obvious inappropriate jokes about that statement until the moment you eat one of these things; after that, it becomes sacred and holy. I'm so serious.)]]> General http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=210 Mon, 31 May 2010 21:23:34 -0500 http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=209
"Oh, he may be sweet now, but he'll be horrible when he's two to make up for it."
Shut up. I have a theory about "the terrible twos"; two year olds have a ton of energy, and parents of two years olds don't. So, the kid wants to play and explore, and the parents don't, so the parents decide the kid is being a brat for wanting to go do shit all the time. The kid is being inconsiderate.
I can't wait till he's exploring and breaking things and asking too many questions. I'll get to learn all about life from a child's perspective, because I'll be right at his side, exploring and breaking things and trying to answer his questions.

"He may sleep now, but just you wait; he'll be keeping you up all night before you know it, they all do."
Hey, maybe it's just your kids that suck. Did you ever think of that? Mine rocks. Don't be a bitch just because your kid sucks.

"You must not have put on enough weight when you were pregnant if you're so skinny. Have you had him checked out yet?"
Oh, shut up! Just because you put on 100 pounds when you were pregnant and never lost an ounce, because you eat fast food every day and haven't worked out a day in you life, doesn't mean that I should have done the same. I have a little thing called self respect, and this other thing called discipline, and this other thing call a really hot husband who I very much want to keep around, and I figure looking good for him is a good place to start.

"He's so alert, how old is he? Two months?"
No, he's a month old. He's alert because I play with him, instead of sticking him in a bouncy chair or vibrating swing. He interacts with people all day long. Of course he's alert. He's learning to be social every day. Your kid learned to be quiet and not disturb mommy when her soaps were on.

Oh, man, and don't even get me started on the stupid shit I hear all day long about breast feeding.
I'm going to starve him because I can't measure the amount of milk he's getting properly. (Because, you know, the human body doesn't take care of the measuring automatically. Oh, no, wait, it does.)
He's not getting all of the vitamins and minerals that he needs to grow and be healthy. (Wow. I wonder how the human race survived all those generations before formula was invented!)
He'll be a sexual deviant because of breast feeding. (You're an idiot. Really. Please remove yourself from the gene pool immediately. Also, from my sphere of existence.)
It goes on and on and on...

Wow, I feel better now.
]]> General http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=209 Sun, 16 May 2010 00:30:39 -0500 http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=208


He digs it.



Also, I keep hearing that babies, new ones anyway, don't really smile, they just have gas. I call bullshit. Maybe the ones where he's sitting on the couch staring at the ceiling and grinning like a fool, but the smiles he does after I give him kisses and tickle him? Those are the real deal, man. He smiles at me because he loves me. Because I am the greatest mommy ever. Stop telling me otherwise, or I will be forced to hurt you.

]]> General http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=208 Sun, 16 May 2010 00:09:59 -0500 http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=207


or is he not...



the cutest kid you've ever seen?]]> General http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=207 Sat, 8 May 2010 18:32:16 -0500 http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=206
I don't mean to sound cocky, but this mommy thing is pretty damn easy. Tim and I spent the last eight months bracing ourselves for sleepless nights, constant ear splitting screaming, nauseating diaper changes, stress stress and more stress. That hasn't been the case at all.
Havoc sleeps. A lot. He naps off and on all day, and then at night, he sleeps for hours at a time. Last night, for instance, he and I went to bed at around 2 am, and he slept till 4 am. We were up for about thirty minutes, and then slept till six. Another half hour up, and back to sleep till almost noon. He sleeps better than I do.
Havoc doesn't cry much. I mean, he fusses, of course, when he's hungry or needs his diaper changed, but he's only really had a screaming fit once, and to be fair we had him out a little late hanging out with Rob. His normal crying isn't terribly loud, certainly not ear splitting, just kind of a mild "hey, pay attention to me, please".He's pretty chill.
Havoc goes through diapers like crazy. He's breast fed, though, so there's no nausea involved.
Havoc nurses like a champ. Makes me really wonder about the fact that there are lactation consultants; you just point the baby in the general direction of a boob, and they do the rest. Who needs to be taught to do that? Are they trying to nurse the baby with a knee or something? I don't get it.
He's sweet, he's cute, he smiles a lot, neither Tim or I have dropped him, and he seems to be satisfied with his choice of parents.
I've already lost all but four pounds of the baby weight. My boobs are HUGE. I've managed to stay bathed and even to put on a little makeup most days.

So basically what I'm saying is, I'm pretty much the best mom ever, and I have pretty much the best baby ever.
Damn. There goes not sounding cocky, huh?
]]> General http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=206 Wed, 21 Apr 2010 19:03:10 -0500 http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=205
That's the short version. The long version is, well... longer.

Tim and I went to McKinney on Sunday the 11th. We wandered around the "hiking" trails (I don't think it should be called hiking if it's all flat, manicured trails that don't exceed two miles, and that never get you into any kind of danger whatsoever, but maybe that's just me and my inherent bitchiness) for a while, made a huge fuss over Zoe for crossing the creek (she's terrified of water, I hear it's a pit thing), blah blah blah, climbing. Tim was wrapping it up around 8 when I told him that I thought I was going into labor. Not sure why I thought it, but I really did, so we headed home.

Tim cooked me dinner (so obviously, he kind of thought I might go into labor, too), and shortly after, at 10 pm, my water broke. You know how they say when labor starts, you'll know? Oh, man, is that true. I've been having contractions off and on for three months, but these were different, and they huuuurt. We watched a movie, tried to relax, got everything together, and headed to the birthing center around 6 am to go and have our baby.

Natural laboring is a lot different than what you see in the movies. There's not so much screaming, but there is a lot of very loud, rhythmic moaning, and for me at least, an unexpected amount of crying. I don't like to cry, but that shit hurts, and so I cried a lot. Puking, too. There was a lot of puking in there somewhere. It's honestly all kind of a blur to me, because as I said before, it hurt a lot, but eventually I realized that this had been going on for a long time. Like, a really long time.
Like, 24 hours.
And nothing was happening. I was only dilated to two centimeters. I was exhausted. I kind of wanted to die a little. We started trying everything we could think of to get things moving faster; an industrial breast pump (man, that thing was crazy)... castor oil milkshakes... moving around...
Nothing.
Finally, my midwife, Anabel, gave me a narcotic, in hopes that I would sleep, and maybe when I woke up, I would be able to have the baby. Maybe I was just too tired. After all, at this point, I had been laboring for over 24 hours, and hadn't slept more than two hours in the last 48. I was worn out. So. Drugs entered the picture. I slept, but I woke up for every miserable contraction, cried and moaned, and then BAM, asleep.

I woke up with Tim hugging me, and Anabel sitting in front of me, looking very serious. The way I recall, I burst into tears, mumbled something along the lines of, "Don't you dare say it", and completely fell apart. Anabel told me that it was time to transfer me to the hospital, because after this long after my water had broken, I was at serious risk for an infection, and since I was still only two centimeters dilated, it was safe to say that I was not going to be able to have the natural delivery I had fought so long and hard for.

At this point, I had been in labor for 27 hours.

Epidural. Ugh. They tell you it will be uncomfortable, that you'll feel a little pinch. They lie. It hurts like hell. Think about it; they put a tube into your spine. You feel it go in. Uncomfortable? No. Horrible? Yes. I don't want to talk about it.

After the epidural, I slept. It was glorious. When I woke up, I had dilated to four centimeters, and I was ecstatic. Finally, I was getting somewhere! Over the next considerably less painful (but not pain free, I still felt those damned contractions) hours, I progressed to eight centimeters. My family was there, Tim's family was there. We were all thrilled. It was almost baby time!

At this point, I had been in labor for about 37 hours.

Take a moment to think about that. Thirty-seven hours.

Ok. Fast forward to hour 41. My cervix started to swell, which basically meant that it was done; it gave up. I argued with it. It won. Then, just to finish the solid "Up yours for all the abuse over the years", I spiked a fever. Infection. Risk to me and the baby. No choice.

Cesarean section. Let's just say it wasn't the beautiful natural birth I had been dreaming of for the last nine months.

A few days in the hospital to make sure the infection was gone. The doctor told me that I had very nearly had to have a hysterectomy; the infection was that severe, and to round it all out, my uterus had actually ruptured! I labored for so long and hard that I ruptured my uterus.

Think about that for a moment.

And now? Well, this kid might've damn near killed me coming into the world, but now that he's here, I'm pretty okay with it. He sleeps almost through the night, in four or five hour stretches. He nurses like he was born to do it (heh, see what I did there?). He's gorgeous and sweet and almost never cries, just looks around and looks impressed with everything all the time. He's a snuggler. Zoe seems to like him, but isn't quite sure what to do with him, so she just licks his feet every now and then. We're all adjusting quite well, despite the huge gash across my lower belly that never really stops hurting. Tim is taking excellent care of me, I'm pretty sure we're taking excellent care of Havoc, and he seems to like us pretty well.
We're so those parents. We just sit around and stare at him. We can't believe how small he is, how cute he is, every yawn is amazing... but we promise, we'll get over that and just be people again before long.



But for now, seriously, you should see how damned cute he is when he yawns!



]]> General http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=205 Sun, 18 Apr 2010 21:02:51 -0500 http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=204
Everything is ready to go, all the bags are packed. Our parents have their bags packed. The nursery is decorated and full of diapers and toys that make weird noises. Car seats are installed in both trucks. My midwives keep assuring me that pregnancy has never proven to be a permanent condition, it always ends eventually, but I'm having a hard time believing them.

This kid had better be the coolest, cutest, most affectionate, smartest kid ever, or I'm going to demand a do-over.]]> General http://punkyuppie.com/index.php?itemid=204 Sat, 10 Apr 2010 18:06:18 -0500